It's sinking in

I had the most amazing weekend!!

On Friday my friends came out to party with me, see me off, and wish me a safe and enriching trip - and so it will be. On Saturday I had the weekly jam with my band - and as always the music surrounded me with warmth and joy. On Sunday I had a wonderful family dinner - it made me remember how much my family has grown, and how amazing it is.

It was really great to see everyone, and I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for making this weekend a memorable one. It is quite a change of atmosphere being surrounded by friends and family for three days, just to come back to an empty apartment with an unpacked suitcase, and 42 hours 'till takeoff.

I will miss my music. The jams have been an integral part of my life for many weeks and I'm not sure how I will cope without them. I feel like my favourite vinyl had just been broken, and suddenly the silence in my apartment seems louder than anything we've played here.

I had a dream last night that I was in a foreign place, but my friends were there with me. We were about to leave and head back home when I got stopped by the police. Under the laws of this place, apparently I had done something very wrong, for which I was to be detained for six months. When I heard this, I freaked out and took off. I started running without knowing where to run or what to do - I just wanted to get away. I was in a crowded mall running for my life, pushing by people, trying to use whatever parkour I had learned from watching YouTube videos to evade and lose the cops. I figured if I could lose them in the mall and meet up with my crew, we could all go back home, but as I ran up another flight of stairs, the cops were waiting right at the top, not even fretting about catching me. One of them yelled out mockingly, "Keep running!..", as though there was no way I could ever lose them. I took a sharp turn, weaved by some people, and bolted down an escalator. As the escalator descended, I saw myself waiting at the bottom. The fact that there was a second me didn't surprise me at all, however, my behaviour at that moment did. As I cleared the escalator and continued running, the me that was waiting at the bottom ran towards me, and without saying a word tackled me. As we both fell to the ground I realized there was no way I could get away from the cops - I had me. As I lay on the ground I turned to myself and began to cry, "Why? You're my only friend...", I implored. But there was no response. I began to bawl, and as I opened my mouth to cry out, a sad chord change echoed through the now silent mall. I wish I knew music well enough to be able to transcribe it... alas, my cry will stay silent for now.

Let the dream be open for interpretation, but I know deep down inside I am anxious about going, and I'm the only one who can tackle my anxiety down and make myself commit to my stay in that foreign, far-away land. As John Steinbeck said, "We find, after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us.", and this thought has been resounding in my mind for the past several weeks. I feel like there's so much to prepare, so many things to think of, lists to make, and like I'm constantly forgetting something... Yet at the same time I know I can't prepare for everything. I don't even know what I'm in for, how can I possibly predict and prepare some sort of a gameplan?

I've been taking it step-by-step, and letting the trip take me as it will. With 42 hours to go and an unpacked suitcase, all I really want to do is have a cup of tea and write a blog post to all my wonderful friends - thanking them for making this last weekend in this cold city, so very warm. I am so lucky to have all of you as friends, and if you're wondering if there's a slight chance this refers to you - it most certainly does.